hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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