She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
