I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
