i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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