My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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