K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Operation Purity has been aborted
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
