Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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