Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
