Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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