Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I deserve this hangover.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
