i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
