How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
