I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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