I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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