Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm just crazy horny about you
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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