He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
