I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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