I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
