Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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