I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
