i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
