If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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