You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
