You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
