my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
