Cold hands, warm shart.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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