I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
