My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
