Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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