The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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