My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
