All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
