You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
