I cockslap morals
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
