My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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