i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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