i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
This house was built for laser tag.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
