I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
