Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
