New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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