i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
