it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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