life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
