I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
