the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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