i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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