The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
