I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
