the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
