everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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