my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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